Life is hard.  And it’s messy.  And complicated.  And really confusing.  But it is life.

I’ve been feeling less than myself at times lately.  Less like the person I want to be, and more like a sad shadow of my former self.  I’ve been feeling unloved and unwanted, and mediocre.  And it’s been difficult.  I’m still a little unclear where the feelings came from.  And wondering if they are a culmination of letting things fester until the point where I just live inside my head and can’t deal anymore.

I shut down, and I let go.  I let myself get to a place that I didn’t want to be.  I let the fear take over, and confidence was just a distant memory.

But today is another day.  Today is different.  Better.

Today I’m okay.  Today I’m confident.  Today, I’m me.

And whatever happened yesterday is not there anymore.

Too much  time is wasted being sad or lonely, and just not being.  But today I made a choice.  I chose to be snarky, and sarcastic, and confident, and bold.  Today, I chose to be me.

It might seem like something small to others.  And maybe it is.  But the biggest thing in the world couldn’ t possibly be bigger than my decision today to be me.

I read a lot of blogs.  A LOT.  And I invest in the lives of those blogs.  And I see their  ups and downs and issues and happy times.  And sometimes I empathize with them.  And I am often comforted because I feel like I’m not alone.  I’m not the only one going through stuff.  And that makes things better.

Chris makes things better.  The knowledge that it’s been more than 10 years.  The fact that people can and DO change over long periods of time is a comfort because even though people change, we’ve changed.  We didn’t change together.  But we became different people.  And we’re still here.  We’re still doing our thing.  And we’re doing it together.

But we’re not the same people we used to be.  But maybe we’re better.

There are things that bother me.  Things that annoy me.  Things that make me want to take something sharp and stab someone in the eye several times.  But at the end of the day, it’s those things that make me more confident that I am where I need to be.  And I can be me while doing so. 

But Chris makes things better. 

And today I chose to be me because of Chris.

Because of Chris, I didn’t shut down.  I didn’t lose confidence.  Because of Chris I can make the choices that need to be made.  And I can be confident in making them.

And he makes me want to take care of him.  Domestically.  Not domestically.

I want to cook and clean and do laundry.  I want to be domestic, and not domestic.  I want to take care of him.  And I want him to take care of me.

I’m tired, and drained.  I work because I need to.  I have stress over money and bills.  And life.  But today, I’m ok.  Today, I’ll be tired, and drained because I worked all day.  And today I’ll have stress over money and bills.  And life.  But today.  Today, I will be me, and even though I’m doing those things, they are not important today. 

Because he makes things better.

And today, I chose to be me.

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