Seeing Signs

I don’t typically ask for help.  Not directly.  I’ve sometimes asked for signs that things are going to be okay, or will work out, or a sign of faith.

I didn’t ask for one this time.  I just didn’t ask.  But it’s the kind of thing that makes its presence known whether you ask for it or not.  And I certainly didn’t ask.

Those who have faith, those who believe, would probably say that it’s the times that you don’t ask, or don’t think to ask is when you need the sign the most.  And I’d have to say that I agreed with that idea this time around.

I needed a sign.  I needed something solid, something concrete to show itself to me, and to wake me up.

I still don’t know about the idea of God speaking to me either directly or indirectly.  But I certainly don’t believe in coincidences.  Which is what makes this that much more amazing.

I was going through a folder that I had for video editing and general notes and ideas on a book I’m trying to write, when I stumbled across a list of songs that I had written down for the video editing purposes.  A list of songs that I had planned on dubbing over a few Buffy related video clips to make a fanvid.  I listed to some of the songs on my iPod, but as I got further down the list, some of the songs weren’t on my iPod or in my iTunes folder.  So, I had to look them up on the internet.

I came across a song on my list that I have never heard before.  I’ve never seen the lyrics before.  And yet, it was still on my list.

And I listened to the song.  And I read the lyrics.  And I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and reading.  The song had a very spiritual tone to it, and the lyrics made it even more emotional.

The song is called “Everything,” by Lifehouse.

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose…you’re everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won’t let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you’re all I want, You’re all I need
You’re everything,everything
You’re all I want your all I need
You’re everything, everything.
You’re all I want you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want you’re all I need, you’re everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

The song made me emotional.  But I’ve been emotional for days now.  But the song made me emotional.  There were tears in my eyes while listening to it.  I found the lyrics touching, and telling, and really affected me in a way that I was not at all expecting.

Maybe I’m reading too much into the song.  But maybe I’m not.  Maybe I needed to hear it, and read the lyrics.  Maybe I needed to know that there is someone out there looking out for me.  Maybe this was the sign pointing me in the right direction.

Maybe this is where my faith begins.

On Being Enough…

I can’t breathe.  I feel like I can’t breathe. 

It’s because I’m not enough.  Not enough for you.

I feel like I’m wasting my time.  You’re making me feel like I’m wasting my time.  And I can’t waste any more time.  Wasn’t ten years long enough to wait for everything I ever wanted?  And now I can’t even have THAT?

You make me feel like I’m not enough for you.  But I don’t know how many other ways to say it to make you understand that you are breaking my heart.  Every day.  Every day, my heart gets broken into a million pieces because I know I’m not enough for you.  And because I can’t give you everything you need.

I don’t want you to be angry.  I want you to reassure me that I AM enough.  I want you to prove that I AM enough for you.  Because I feel like I’m wasting my time.  Because I don’t think I’m enough for you.

If you don’t love me, if you don’t want to be with me, if I can’t provide you with everything you need, please PLEASE tell me.  I need to be enough for you.  I need to be enough for someone.  If I’m not enough for you, you need to find someone, or several someones who ARE enough.  Someone who can do for you what I can’t.  I can’t fail at this.  I can’t fail at something that has nothing to do with me.  I can’t fail because I’m not enough.  I need to be enough.  And if I’m not enough, please don’t string me along and telling me that I am, and then go looking for something that is because I’m really not enough for you.

If you love me.  If you have ever loved me.  If you honestly can’t live without me in your life.  If you can tell me with complete certainty that I am enough for you, and I am all you need, then please do so.  And follow through.  Let me be enough for you.  Give me the chance to do everything and be everything you need.  Don’t hinder my chances because there might be something else out there.  I deserve a chance to be everything, but I can’t take that chance if you don’t offer it.  I can’t take that chance if you know definitively that I am not enough for you.

I can’t live my life knowing that you’re looking for something else.  I can’t survive knowing that there might be someone else who can do the things for you that I can’t.  I can’t be with you if you don’t want to be with me.

For the first time in years, I feel lost.  For the first time in years, I don’t have any direction.  For the first time in years.  I feel like I can’t go any further.  In years.  Ten years have gone by and I haven’t felt as lost as I do right now.  In.  Ten.  Years.  The last time I felt so lost, I was more lost than anyone would know.  I wouldn’t ever hurt myself, but I’m not against something happening to me.  I no longer fear the things I feared yesterday, because they would not be as bad as not being enough. 

I’m at a point where I’m not against something happening.  What would happen if I WERE to be raped and killed?  Nothing.  I don’t think I could fight it.  I don’t think I’d want to.  Because I’m not enough.  What if I were to get into a horrible car wreck?  It wouldn’t matter. 

We talk about faith.  I have none.  I don’t have any faith that there is anyone out there that will tell me that I am enough.  I don’t have faith that I am enough.

You talk about getting married, and having kids together.  Do those things even mean anything if I’m not enough?

I know you miss your kids.  I know you wish you could have a relationship with them.  I think the only thing I have faith in is that someday you will.  Someday, you will have a relationship with your children.  They are smart, and independent, and once they realize that they have the ability to think with out a thumb over them telling them what to think, things are going to change.  I have faith in only that.

But I have faith in little else.

I love you more than anything, but you are stubborn, and won’t be told what to do.  You don’t like ultimatums.  I don’t want to tell you what to do.  I don’t want to control you.  I’m not giving you an ultimatum.  I don’t want anything from you.

Except to know that I am enough for you.

If you can’t give me that… If God can’t give me that… I don’t know what else to do.

I don’t know where to tone of this post falls.  I don’t want it to sound mean, or angry or depressing.  I just want to be enough.  I want to know that I’m enough.

Searching for Faith

As often as Chris and I spend time together (which is ALL THE TIME) is probably WAY more often than I consider thinking about what I think about faith.

On our way back from the Outer Banks in North Carolina yesterday, Chris and I got to talking about the presence of God and faith.  I was freaking out about living in the middle of nowhere, and trying to explain an irrational fear I have of dying.  Well, more specifically, of being home alone, having someone break in and being raped and killed.  And THEN having no one know about it.  Chris’ opinion on the issue is that when God decides it’s my time to go, then it will be my time to go, and I shouldn’t let this fear control my life.

Which it doesn’t.  Not usually.  Sometimes it makes its presence known.  Usually at the most inappropriate moment.

But then Chris asked me the hard questions: a) do I believe in God, and b) do I have faith.  The answers were, respectively, yes and I don’t know.

Chris told me about times when he didn’t have faith, and times when he did have it.  And why it’s so important to him to attend a Catholic mass as much as possible.

For me, it’s not the same.  Yes, I do attend mass.  When I can.  Which is usually about once a week, sometimes more.  But I don’t go for me.  I go for him.  I believe in God.  And I was raised Catholic.  But I don’t go to church for me.

And I wonder if that’s hurting me.  I wonder if I’m on the outside looking in, in the situation, because I don’t necessarily have faith.  And I wonder if my questioning is a problem.

We went to Catholic mass early this morning.  And I had trouble concentrating on the sermon.  Mostly because I thought about every single person in that church.  Did they all believe?  Or were they all going through the motions?  Have any of them found faith?  Or are some still searching?  And more importantly, am I alone?

I guess I’m having a problem with the fact that I don’t have faith at the moment.  Definitively, I DO have faith.  I have faith in myself.  I have faith that if I work hard enough and make lists, I WILL accomplish things I need to accomplish.

But in having faith in myself, I don’t have faith that someday I won’t be raped, killed and dumped on the side of the road, as irrational and uncommon as that is – or isn’t.  I have faith in myself in that I know I will survive anything that comes my way, because I’m a survivor.  But I don’t attribute that to anyone but myself.

And I wonder if that’s a problem.

And I wonder if I will ever have a solid faith.  And if someday I won’t just be going through the motions.  And I wonder if something significant needs to happen in order for me to discover my faith.

Are you there, God?  It’s me, Virginia.