Today I made a choice

Life is hard.  And it’s messy.  And complicated.  And really confusing.  But it is life.

I’ve been feeling less than myself at times lately.  Less like the person I want to be, and more like a sad shadow of my former self.  I’ve been feeling unloved and unwanted, and mediocre.  And it’s been difficult.  I’m still a little unclear where the feelings came from.  And wondering if they are a culmination of letting things fester until the point where I just live inside my head and can’t deal anymore.

I shut down, and I let go.  I let myself get to a place that I didn’t want to be.  I let the fear take over, and confidence was just a distant memory.

But today is another day.  Today is different.  Better.

Today I’m okay.  Today I’m confident.  Today, I’m me.

And whatever happened yesterday is not there anymore.

Too much  time is wasted being sad or lonely, and just not being.  But today I made a choice.  I chose to be snarky, and sarcastic, and confident, and bold.  Today, I chose to be me.

It might seem like something small to others.  And maybe it is.  But the biggest thing in the world couldn’ t possibly be bigger than my decision today to be me.

I read a lot of blogs.  A LOT.  And I invest in the lives of those blogs.  And I see their  ups and downs and issues and happy times.  And sometimes I empathize with them.  And I am often comforted because I feel like I’m not alone.  I’m not the only one going through stuff.  And that makes things better.

Chris makes things better.  The knowledge that it’s been more than 10 years.  The fact that people can and DO change over long periods of time is a comfort because even though people change, we’ve changed.  We didn’t change together.  But we became different people.  And we’re still here.  We’re still doing our thing.  And we’re doing it together.

But we’re not the same people we used to be.  But maybe we’re better.

There are things that bother me.  Things that annoy me.  Things that make me want to take something sharp and stab someone in the eye several times.  But at the end of the day, it’s those things that make me more confident that I am where I need to be.  And I can be me while doing so. 

But Chris makes things better. 

And today I chose to be me because of Chris.

Because of Chris, I didn’t shut down.  I didn’t lose confidence.  Because of Chris I can make the choices that need to be made.  And I can be confident in making them.

And he makes me want to take care of him.  Domestically.  Not domestically.

I want to cook and clean and do laundry.  I want to be domestic, and not domestic.  I want to take care of him.  And I want him to take care of me.

I’m tired, and drained.  I work because I need to.  I have stress over money and bills.  And life.  But today, I’m ok.  Today, I’ll be tired, and drained because I worked all day.  And today I’ll have stress over money and bills.  And life.  But today.  Today, I will be me, and even though I’m doing those things, they are not important today. 

Because he makes things better.

And today, I chose to be me.

Fun Games to Play While on Vacation

Chriso and I have been mupping around Virginia for the last week or so.  We’ve been pretty productive, we’ve gotten things done that needed to get done.  And we’re gearing up for another week here. 

We’ve gone to the beach.  Actually, we’ve gone to a few beaches.  Oh, did I forget to mention that Chriso was born a fish?  Well, yeah.  He was.

And we’ve been having the most amazing time.  AND the weather has TOTALLY cooperated with us in that respect. 

But in going out and doing things and being productive, there’s also a lot of down time in the hotel room.  The other day, there was THE MOST AMAZING lightning storm I’ve ever seen going on, and we just sat on our porch deck thing and watched it.  AND got some incredible pictures in the process.

BUT… there’s still down time in the hotel room.  We eat lunch and dinner in pretty much almost every day – and we’ve been saving money by doing so.  And before bed, there isn’t much to do… OK, that’s not entirely true.  There’s PLENTY to do.  But I didn’t feel that telling the world that I like to get my naughty on several times a day was appropriate.  Shit!  There goes THAT plan.

ANYway.  What I’m getting at is that Chriso and I have been watching quite a bit of TV.  More than we’ve ever really done together.  And among the TV shows and baseball games there’s tons and tons of movies to be seen. 

They are CLEARLY on HBO, but when you look at the TV guide, this random channel 21 doesn’t show up anywhere, and has thus been named That Weird Movie Channel.

And we’ve seen a lot of movies in the last week on TWMC.  So many that neither of us has seen, and a few that we have.

But since ther are so many movies we HAVEN’T seen, we’ve created a game out of it.  Mostly because some of the movies are just so awful that we can’t help but do something entertaining while watching them.  And, no, the naughty part does NOT come into play here.

Pretty much what happens is that we see an actor that we MIGHT recognize from, oh my god, what was he in – he was in the show with that other guy… holy crap, what was that show??? and we try to guess who they are, and what else they’ve been in.

And we’ve actually done pretty well for ourselves.  Most of our guesses have been COMPLETELY wrong, but some have been spot on.

For example – and Chriso posted about this the other day, with that kid from the Cosby show who was in that AWFUL movie… crap!  what was that awful movie? – Pay it Forward.  Neither of us had ever seen it – and I TOTALLY recommend seeing it – but we were able to piece it together and figure out that Helen Hunt, Kevin Spacey and Haley Joel Osment were in this great movie together, and we didn’t even have to go to the Internets to figure it out.

Another aspect of this Guess the Movie game is while watching an awful movie trying to watch it as long as possible.  Once you add in the factor of trying to figure out who the actors are, you’ve got yourself a competition.  ALSO, the use of the Internets is ALWAYS permitted, BUT do recognize that in using the Internets, you are ending the game, so to speak.

But try it.  See if you like it.  See how many movies you can actually figure out without having seen them. 

What other games can one play while on an extended vacation?

On Vacation

Here we are a few days in, and you know something, Gentle Readers?  I LOVE vacation!

I honestly haven’t taken a real vacation in years.  I don’t mean like the vacation you take just to get away from work, where all you do is stay at home just to be away from work and take day trips.

I mean a real, God’s-honest vacation.  The kind where you leave the state, and possibly the kind of civiliazation that you’ve always known, and you lay on the beach all day, and you swim in the hotel pool at least 3 times a day.  And you lounge around and do nothing productive.  And it’s amazing.

Except I am being productive.

In case there were those out there who were not aware, I had plans to move to Florida.  There is a whole thing about job transfers that makes moving to a much warmer climate VERY EASY.  And that’s what I’m looking to do.

But for now, I’m on vacation, and quite enjoying myself.

Chriso and I ate at Sonic for the first time EVER.  We’ve seen commercials for ages.  Heck, who HASN’T seen those commercials?  Seriously.  And we swam in a bay.  And we drove around in the convertible with the top down, because it hasn’t been raining like it has been back in Boston.  Or so they tell me.

But I’m enjoying myself.  It’s a good time.  And for now, that’s all I need.

OH!  AND I’ve gotten some color all over.  I’ve been tanning like crazy.  But who could blame me… the weather is nice enough, so why not?

My last night in BAWSTON

The end of days is here.  Tomorrow, Chriso and I are taking off in search of warmer weather, beaches and a new life.  Oh yeah, and no snow.  Can’t forget the fact that we are moving to a climate in which does not snow.  Ever.

ANYway.  To celebrate our last weekend in Boston, as we’ve been celebrating our last few weeks, and last few months, I decided to spend a night out with the girls, while Chriso chauffered our drunk asses around afterwards.

Kathy, Bev and I ended up at the Liquor Store in Boston, where our friend Big John is a bartender.  I hadn’t seen Big John in at least a year, maybe longer, so I can’t hide the fact that I was BEYOND excited to see him, and hang out, and drink, and dance.  Big John put us on “the list” so we didn’t have to wait, or pay a cover charge.  Can I just tell you how insanely generous Big John was?  I mean INSANELY.  GENEROUS. 

And the night was amazing.  Sure, I was a little annoyed that other people bailed, but you know something?  The girls that actually came out with me are the only ones that matter.  There’s an old saying somewhere about friends.  Something along the lines of “good friends will watch you make an ass of yourself, best friends will be making an ass of themselves right next to you”  or something along those lines.  But you get the idea.  It’s good to know who my friends are.  And I know that if I ever need them, they’ll be there.  And for that, I thank them.

And the night was AMAZING.  We drank.  And we danced.  At one point we were dominating the stripper pole.  Because what good is going to a club if you can’t dress like a huss and dance like a stripper while grinding a pole?  I mean, seriously.

But just like any other night, it had it’s downside.  Saturday night’s downside involved creepy guys.  Not only did it involve creepy guys, but it involved creepy guys who felt the need to inappropriately touch Kathy’s butt.  And Bev’s butt… and then mine.  By the time creepy guy got to me, I jumped off the platform and pushed him over, and screamed at him to keep his hands to himself.  I’m usually the quiet one.  Ok, not if you know me.  But I wouldn’t normally have such a dramatic reaction to someone touching my ass.  But that was just inappropriate.  First of all, don’t touch my friends.  And don’t touch me.  Don’t touch anyone, in point of fact.  It’s just wrong.

My mom would be so proud.

There were so many other things that happened that night.  Cooter, Goo, 40+… random shots showing up on the bar… it was a great night.  And I can’t go into all the details here, because there are some things that are going to be good memories, and some things that are going to be REALLY GREAT memories.  That we’ll be able to share some day.

But the long and short of telling you all this is that I had a great time wtih my friends.  I’m really going to miss them.  It’s really hard starting over, and it always helps to have your friends around.  The great part about technology is that I will always be in touch with them.

I love you guys!  And I’ll miss you soooo much!

And also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KATHY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am where I need to be

I’ve always had issues with insecurities.  Being with a man who is a prince to you one minute, and verbally abusive to you the next will do that to a person.  I don’t think I ever questioned him.  I never thought he would cheat on me.  Not until the end, when we were broken up, and I no longer had a claim on him.  And I was jealous that he was with someone else.  And constantly wondered if she was better than me.  Of course she wasn’t better than me.  I’m the best.  But we just weren’t a good fit.

So now I’m working on dealing with my issues with insecurity.  I try not to dwell on things too much, because far too often, when you overthink something, you somehow become less rational, and a little more crazy.  So I’m working on it.

I try not to be nosy.  I try to mind my own business.  And I try to accept the fact that if someone wants me to know something, they will tell me.  And it’s not my place to step outside those guidelines.  I try to accept things at face value, and trust that people will tell me the truth and treat me with the respect I deserve.

And I think I’m more trusting now.  I’ve taken actions to step outside myself and look at what being paranoid and crazy and insecure does to me.  And I hate it.

This is not a new revelation.  Actually, it’s something that I’ve been actively aware of for quite some time.  I’ve always known that I have the desire to be the only one – to be the center of attention – to be the end-all be-all.  

But this revelation, while not new, is something that I’ve decided to write about. 

I just had a fantastic conversation with an old friend of mine, who confessed that he had FINALLY found the girl of his dreams.  This, coming from someone who couldn’t be faithful if you held a gun to his head.  And he had found The ONE.  And he said the way he knew it was real was the obvious lack of desire to cheat on her.

I was amazed.  And then I was hopeful.

You see, it’s not about what happened in the past.  Those past experiences do affect our lives and make us who we are.  And without those experiences, we wouldn’t know what kinds of difficulties we could face, or what type of adversity we could handle.  It’s not about the past at all.  It’s about who we are now.  It’s about what you do now.  Right now.  Not yesterday.  Not tomorrow.  But now.

It’s about that feeling of just knowing that you are the only one.  Just knowing that things could not possibly be any better.  And just knowing that there’s nothing to worry about.  It really says something when you are able to say that you are in exactly the place you should be and there isn’t a doubt in your mind that you are there, and that things are as they should be.  I’m there.

I feel loved.  I feel cared for.  I feel like The One.  And despite all the hardships, and adversity, and annoyances that may occur – despite all the insecurities – there isn’t a doubt in my mind that I am EXACTLY  where I need to be at this very moment.

Everything else just is.  Everything else is unimportant.  Because he’s always going to be there for me.  And I have no reason to be insecure anymore.

Chriso and I get ice cream: A Photo Essay

*This is actually my first try at a photo essay, so please bear with me.  I don’t have any fun or clever captions just yet.*

So, Chriso and I stopped for ice cream after church on Sunday.  We normally just go to the movies, but there was a lot of time before Public Enemies, and also we hadn’t decided that we were going to see it yet, so we stopped.

Actually, we drove by a little farm/ice cream place and turned around.  It was actually a cute little farm that we’d driven by quite a few Sunday’s after church, that we never thought to stop at.  But we were in the convertible.  And it was a beautiful day  And who doesn’t love ice cream?

Before we even got to the ice cream part of the farm, there were so many other things to look at:

my shadow and me... and water... and ducks

The little waterfall thing was cute… I like taking pictures of things that LOOK interesting.  I am definitely attracted to things that are architecturally pleasing.  And waterfalls.  And ducks, of course.

And then there were chickens.

holy chickens, batman!

There were a few more chickens, but they kept hiding in the pen.  But it wasn’t the  chickens that were menacing… it was those damned turkeys.  At work, when they’re loose, they’ll chase after people.  They really don’t care.  It’s freaky.

so glad these turkeys were penned... they TOTALLY wanted to kill me

And then we saw the this:

to EMERALD CITY!

Chriso promises he saw this when we drove in.  I only saw it after I’d been dancing around the parking lot eating the best peanut butter reeses ice cream ever.

And then Chriso and I had this conversation:

                    Me:  I TOTALLY could have been Dorothy!

                    Chriso:  No, you couldn’t have.  You were too old.

                    Me:  Wow. 

                    Chriso: I didn’t mean it like that…

                    Me:  Okay, NOT-Pippin!

I’m pretty sure that conversation went on a little longer, and in more detail about why I wasn’t Dorothy, and why Chriso’s new name is Not-Pippin… but, really?  Didn’t matter.  We had ice cream.

And seeing how enticing and curious the painted sign on the road was, we decided to follow it, and ended up here:

follow the yellow brick road

There really wasn’t any yellow to follow, much less bricks, and it was more of a dirt path… but come on.  When there are signs painted on the ground, how can you NOT follow them?

Oz...?

ANNDDD…. THIS was Oz.  The path really didn’t go on much further.  There was a tractor at the end of it.  But it was really nice to look at. 

I asked Chriso if he wanted to own a farm… I don’t think we’re ever going to have farm animals.

But ice cream was fun.  And following the yellow brick road was fun.  And the movies later were also fun.  Let’s face it.  Chriso and I have had some pretty amazing dates.  And the pictures always come out awesome!

On Becoming an Adult OR The One Where I Update Everyone… Again

I’ve been contemplating creating a new blog.  One that is more… personal.  And then I realized.  I ALREADY have one of those.  I just haven’t written in it in years. 

Since 2007, actually.

And looking back at what I’ve written, it’s weird.  And a little unsettling.  And a little comforting. 

I am in a VERY different place now than I was 2 years ago.  2 years ago next month.  I was with a man who was abusive.  I didn’t see it then, but I can certainly see it now.  I lost my crappy job.  I was significantly overweight, and terribly unhappy.  And I pretty much thought I was going to die.

BUT, I survived.  I came out the other side as a whole person.  I’m doing bigger and better things than I ever thought possible.  And most importantly, I’m with a man I love more than anything else in this world.  I survived. 

There was a long period of time where I thought I would never pull through the depression.  I had even considered seeing a shrink.  I have nothing against the idea, or those who do, but something like that would certainly NOT be beneficial to me.  And I’m okay with that.

I learned a lot of hard lessons.  And a few easy ones.

And here I am.  2 years later.  Getting ready to do all the things I said I was going to do 2 years ago. 

For starters, Chriso and are I moving.  Not to California, but we are definitely moving.  And we’re getting married, and we’re planning on starting a family.  And all of this is so very amazing.

To be perfectly honest, gentle readers, I really should have done all this sooner.  I’m in a constant blog-identity struggle, where I don’t want to make my AWESOME TV-blog too personal, but at the same time, I need an outlet where I CAN be too personal. 

But I’ve grown up.  I’m growing up.  I’m 26 years old, and I don’t think I’ll ever really feel like a grown up.  But you know something?  I’m perfectly okay with that.  It might mean I’ll be a better parent to my kids someday because I’ll still be able to relate.  It might mean that I will be perpetually laid back, and life a stress-free life.  It might mean I’ll be a happier person.  I don’t know, but I’m so ready to find out.

So, gentle readers, welcome.  And welcome back. 

It’s not about where you’re going, it’s all about how you get there.  And I plan to enjoy the ride.

Calmness after the storm

The clusterfuck I once called work is now over. Exactly one week ago, they decided that I wasn’t good enough (read: compliant to their wishes) to be with that company, so I needed to be let go. I can’t say that I’m entirely upset about the situation. I’m far too overqualified to be a career bank teller, anyway.

Perhaps this will be the beginning of doing something that actually MEANS something. Something that could be construed as actually being important. Or at least, something that will pay the bills as well as keeping me entertained for 8 hours a day.

I do have to say that I’m quite pleased with the amount of positive feedback I’ve been receiving from other places of employment. I’ve already had two interviews, and a bunch more phone calls.

Trust me. I won’t be lazing about on my ass for very long.