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Seeing Signs

I don’t typically ask for help.  Not directly.  I’ve sometimes asked for signs that things are going to be okay, or will work out, or a sign of faith.

I didn’t ask for one this time.  I just didn’t ask.  But it’s the kind of thing that makes its presence known whether you ask for it or not.  And I certainly didn’t ask.

Those who have faith, those who believe, would probably say that it’s the times that you don’t ask, or don’t think to ask is when you need the sign the most.  And I’d have to say that I agreed with that idea this time around.

I needed a sign.  I needed something solid, something concrete to show itself to me, and to wake me up.

I still don’t know about the idea of God speaking to me either directly or indirectly.  But I certainly don’t believe in coincidences.  Which is what makes this that much more amazing.

I was going through a folder that I had for video editing and general notes and ideas on a book I’m trying to write, when I stumbled across a list of songs that I had written down for the video editing purposes.  A list of songs that I had planned on dubbing over a few Buffy related video clips to make a fanvid.  I listed to some of the songs on my iPod, but as I got further down the list, some of the songs weren’t on my iPod or in my iTunes folder.  So, I had to look them up on the internet.

I came across a song on my list that I have never heard before.  I’ve never seen the lyrics before.  And yet, it was still on my list.

And I listened to the song.  And I read the lyrics.  And I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and reading.  The song had a very spiritual tone to it, and the lyrics made it even more emotional.

The song is called “Everything,” by Lifehouse.

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel you
I need to hear you
You are the light
That’s leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose…you’re everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won’t let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Cause you’re all I want, You’re all I need
You’re everything,everything
You’re all I want your all I need
You’re everything, everything.
You’re all I want you’re all I need.
You’re everything, everything
You’re all I want you’re all I need, you’re everything, everything.

And How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?
How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

The song made me emotional.  But I’ve been emotional for days now.  But the song made me emotional.  There were tears in my eyes while listening to it.  I found the lyrics touching, and telling, and really affected me in a way that I was not at all expecting.

Maybe I’m reading too much into the song.  But maybe I’m not.  Maybe I needed to hear it, and read the lyrics.  Maybe I needed to know that there is someone out there looking out for me.  Maybe this was the sign pointing me in the right direction.

Maybe this is where my faith begins.

I can’t breathe.  I feel like I can’t breathe. 

It’s because I’m not enough.  Not enough for you.

I feel like I’m wasting my time.  You’re making me feel like I’m wasting my time.  And I can’t waste any more time.  Wasn’t ten years long enough to wait for everything I ever wanted?  And now I can’t even have THAT?

You make me feel like I’m not enough for you.  But I don’t know how many other ways to say it to make you understand that you are breaking my heart.  Every day.  Every day, my heart gets broken into a million pieces because I know I’m not enough for you.  And because I can’t give you everything you need.

I don’t want you to be angry.  I want you to reassure me that I AM enough.  I want you to prove that I AM enough for you.  Because I feel like I’m wasting my time.  Because I don’t think I’m enough for you.

If you don’t love me, if you don’t want to be with me, if I can’t provide you with everything you need, please PLEASE tell me.  I need to be enough for you.  I need to be enough for someone.  If I’m not enough for you, you need to find someone, or several someones who ARE enough.  Someone who can do for you what I can’t.  I can’t fail at this.  I can’t fail at something that has nothing to do with me.  I can’t fail because I’m not enough.  I need to be enough.  And if I’m not enough, please don’t string me along and telling me that I am, and then go looking for something that is because I’m really not enough for you.

If you love me.  If you have ever loved me.  If you honestly can’t live without me in your life.  If you can tell me with complete certainty that I am enough for you, and I am all you need, then please do so.  And follow through.  Let me be enough for you.  Give me the chance to do everything and be everything you need.  Don’t hinder my chances because there might be something else out there.  I deserve a chance to be everything, but I can’t take that chance if you don’t offer it.  I can’t take that chance if you know definitively that I am not enough for you.

I can’t live my life knowing that you’re looking for something else.  I can’t survive knowing that there might be someone else who can do the things for you that I can’t.  I can’t be with you if you don’t want to be with me.

For the first time in years, I feel lost.  For the first time in years, I don’t have any direction.  For the first time in years.  I feel like I can’t go any further.  In years.  Ten years have gone by and I haven’t felt as lost as I do right now.  In.  Ten.  Years.  The last time I felt so lost, I was more lost than anyone would know.  I wouldn’t ever hurt myself, but I’m not against something happening to me.  I no longer fear the things I feared yesterday, because they would not be as bad as not being enough. 

I’m at a point where I’m not against something happening.  What would happen if I WERE to be raped and killed?  Nothing.  I don’t think I could fight it.  I don’t think I’d want to.  Because I’m not enough.  What if I were to get into a horrible car wreck?  It wouldn’t matter. 

We talk about faith.  I have none.  I don’t have any faith that there is anyone out there that will tell me that I am enough.  I don’t have faith that I am enough.

You talk about getting married, and having kids together.  Do those things even mean anything if I’m not enough?

I know you miss your kids.  I know you wish you could have a relationship with them.  I think the only thing I have faith in is that someday you will.  Someday, you will have a relationship with your children.  They are smart, and independent, and once they realize that they have the ability to think with out a thumb over them telling them what to think, things are going to change.  I have faith in only that.

But I have faith in little else.

I love you more than anything, but you are stubborn, and won’t be told what to do.  You don’t like ultimatums.  I don’t want to tell you what to do.  I don’t want to control you.  I’m not giving you an ultimatum.  I don’t want anything from you.

Except to know that I am enough for you.

If you can’t give me that… If God can’t give me that… I don’t know what else to do.

I don’t know where to tone of this post falls.  I don’t want it to sound mean, or angry or depressing.  I just want to be enough.  I want to know that I’m enough.

Searching for Faith

As often as Chris and I spend time together (which is ALL THE TIME) is probably WAY more often than I consider thinking about what I think about faith.

On our way back from the Outer Banks in North Carolina yesterday, Chris and I got to talking about the presence of God and faith.  I was freaking out about living in the middle of nowhere, and trying to explain an irrational fear I have of dying.  Well, more specifically, of being home alone, having someone break in and being raped and killed.  And THEN having no one know about it.  Chris’ opinion on the issue is that when God decides it’s my time to go, then it will be my time to go, and I shouldn’t let this fear control my life.

Which it doesn’t.  Not usually.  Sometimes it makes its presence known.  Usually at the most inappropriate moment.

But then Chris asked me the hard questions: a) do I believe in God, and b) do I have faith.  The answers were, respectively, yes and I don’t know.

Chris told me about times when he didn’t have faith, and times when he did have it.  And why it’s so important to him to attend a Catholic mass as much as possible.

For me, it’s not the same.  Yes, I do attend mass.  When I can.  Which is usually about once a week, sometimes more.  But I don’t go for me.  I go for him.  I believe in God.  And I was raised Catholic.  But I don’t go to church for me.

And I wonder if that’s hurting me.  I wonder if I’m on the outside looking in, in the situation, because I don’t necessarily have faith.  And I wonder if my questioning is a problem.

We went to Catholic mass early this morning.  And I had trouble concentrating on the sermon.  Mostly because I thought about every single person in that church.  Did they all believe?  Or were they all going through the motions?  Have any of them found faith?  Or are some still searching?  And more importantly, am I alone?

I guess I’m having a problem with the fact that I don’t have faith at the moment.  Definitively, I DO have faith.  I have faith in myself.  I have faith that if I work hard enough and make lists, I WILL accomplish things I need to accomplish.

But in having faith in myself, I don’t have faith that someday I won’t be raped, killed and dumped on the side of the road, as irrational and uncommon as that is – or isn’t.  I have faith in myself in that I know I will survive anything that comes my way, because I’m a survivor.  But I don’t attribute that to anyone but myself.

And I wonder if that’s a problem.

And I wonder if I will ever have a solid faith.  And if someday I won’t just be going through the motions.  And I wonder if something significant needs to happen in order for me to discover my faith.

Are you there, God?  It’s me, Virginia.

Today I made a choice

Life is hard.  And it’s messy.  And complicated.  And really confusing.  But it is life.

I’ve been feeling less than myself at times lately.  Less like the person I want to be, and more like a sad shadow of my former self.  I’ve been feeling unloved and unwanted, and mediocre.  And it’s been difficult.  I’m still a little unclear where the feelings came from.  And wondering if they are a culmination of letting things fester until the point where I just live inside my head and can’t deal anymore.

I shut down, and I let go.  I let myself get to a place that I didn’t want to be.  I let the fear take over, and confidence was just a distant memory.

But today is another day.  Today is different.  Better.

Today I’m okay.  Today I’m confident.  Today, I’m me.

And whatever happened yesterday is not there anymore.

Too much  time is wasted being sad or lonely, and just not being.  But today I made a choice.  I chose to be snarky, and sarcastic, and confident, and bold.  Today, I chose to be me.

It might seem like something small to others.  And maybe it is.  But the biggest thing in the world couldn’ t possibly be bigger than my decision today to be me.

I read a lot of blogs.  A LOT.  And I invest in the lives of those blogs.  And I see their  ups and downs and issues and happy times.  And sometimes I empathize with them.  And I am often comforted because I feel like I’m not alone.  I’m not the only one going through stuff.  And that makes things better.

Chris makes things better.  The knowledge that it’s been more than 10 years.  The fact that people can and DO change over long periods of time is a comfort because even though people change, we’ve changed.  We didn’t change together.  But we became different people.  And we’re still here.  We’re still doing our thing.  And we’re doing it together.

But we’re not the same people we used to be.  But maybe we’re better.

There are things that bother me.  Things that annoy me.  Things that make me want to take something sharp and stab someone in the eye several times.  But at the end of the day, it’s those things that make me more confident that I am where I need to be.  And I can be me while doing so. 

But Chris makes things better. 

And today I chose to be me because of Chris.

Because of Chris, I didn’t shut down.  I didn’t lose confidence.  Because of Chris I can make the choices that need to be made.  And I can be confident in making them.

And he makes me want to take care of him.  Domestically.  Not domestically.

I want to cook and clean and do laundry.  I want to be domestic, and not domestic.  I want to take care of him.  And I want him to take care of me.

I’m tired, and drained.  I work because I need to.  I have stress over money and bills.  And life.  But today, I’m ok.  Today, I’ll be tired, and drained because I worked all day.  And today I’ll have stress over money and bills.  And life.  But today.  Today, I will be me, and even though I’m doing those things, they are not important today. 

Because he makes things better.

And today, I chose to be me.

A letter in which I divulge stuff

Do what you like.  But while you’re doing that, will you love me?

I don’t want this to sound like I’m complaining, or bitching, because I’m not.  I’m trying to say the things that are going through my head because living inside my head is scary, and not healthy, and makes  me wonder if a trip to the shrink might be something beneficial.

But therapy scares me.

But not being loved scares me even more.

One of my biggest things, my biggest needs, is to mean something to someone.  I want someone to care when I cry, when I’m upset, as well as when I’m happy and in the best mood ever.  I want someone who is going to take my thoughts and feelings into consideration when thinking about their actions and before they make decision.

I want you to care about how I feel, and how words and actions, or lack thereof, affect me, and other people.  Because whatever it is, or maybe it’s what I think it is because maybe it’s nothing and I’m overreacting, but there’s no communication to even let me know, so I will think what I am going to think.  But whatever it is makes me feel worse than I’ve ever felt, ever.  I feel like I’m not doing something, or I’m not being something or someone, or I’m just not enough.

If I got half the attention and love that I’m asking for, maybe we would be happy.  And maybe the needs to be with anyone else, or to flirt or whatever it is, would not be there.  But then again, maybe I’m not enough, and maybe no matter how much devotion I give, no matter how much time I spend, I just can’t provide everything you’re looking for.  And if that’s the case, then let me know.  Because I don’t know what else to do.  Maybe I don’t engage in enough dirty talk, or I’m not sexual enough or I’m not adventurous enough.  Which is funny because I always thought I was very into trying new things.  But maybe I’m not into it ENOUGH.

But there are other guys out there that would appreciate me for me.  There are several on various dating sites that find me attractive enough… and I’d say I get hit on pretty often.  But I don’t care about any of those things or any of those men.  Because I made my decision.  I made my choice, and it was you.

But none of that seems to matter to you because YOU don’t see those things.  Maybe you do see those things.  Maybe you see that I’m attractive, and smart and whatever else… but you don’t act like it.  You don’t treat me like it.  And it makes me sad.  And cry.

I hate that when I need to talk, you shut down and don’t talk like it’s some kind of revenge.  We are not children.  Just because I might not want to talk at one moment doesn’t mean you need to say “if you can do it, I can do it, so there.  and because you did it to me, I’m going to do it to you.”  Because no matter what I do, you have that same attitude.  And it makes me sad that when I want to open up to you, when I need to open up to you, you shut down and don’t want to hear it because I couldn’t talk about it before.  I want you to care.  And maybe you don’t.  But that really hurts.

I’m not good at communicating sometimes, and I’ve told you that over and over again.  I have a hard time writing about the important things, which is why I’ll never amount to much as a blogger or a writer.  I can’t deal with expressing that emotion to the world, so I might as well just back off and find something else I can be mediocre at.

I just want you to pay more attention to me than you do everyone else.  I know you love me.  You must.  Otherwise you wouldn’t be here.  But maybe you would.  Or maybe you’d be in Mexico.  I just want you to appreciate me and not ignore me or shut me out when I need to open up.  And I want to be the one and only.

But I’ll understand if I’m asking for too much.

But I don’t think I’m asking for too much.  I’m just asking for you to love me.  And I didn’t realize I was such a difficult person to love.

But I’m asking for you to love me, and only me.  And act like it.  Because if you don’t love me, or you can’t show it, or I’m not enough for you, you need to let me know.

So maybe I just spend 800 words rambling about nothing.  And maybe it will mean something.  But maybe it won’t.  And if it doesn’t mean anything, I still said things that were bother me.  Sure, I didn’t divulge everything, but I divulged enough to make this mean something to me.

So maybe, just maybe you’ll love me.

Partner, Let Me Upgrade You

I’m starting to think that I was meant to sit on the sidelines and watch others succeed.  I was meant to help others achieve their goals and go above and beyond for them, but never for myself.  Maybe I’m not meant to have my own success.  Maybe I’m just supposed to sit by and watch.

I’m not bitter about this.  It just seems that this was the path that was chosen for me.

I’ve been feeling a little down lately.  Borderline depressed – but then again, depression is a serious thing, and I really don’t want to go back there.  Basically, I’m a happy person.  I’ve just been feeling down lately.

You see, I’ve been blogging forever now.  Well, there has been at least 6 years of blogging under my belt.  That’s 6 years of writing everyday, or almost everyday, and lately, I’m trying for more than once a week.  But still, I’ve been doing this for 6 years.  Projects have come and gone.  I’ve written for a few websites, but nothing has ever really stuck with me.  Nothing has had the right feel for permanence.  I’ve written scripts and I’ve applied for fellowships.  But nothing has come from any of it.

I’ve worked hard, with no reward, and I’m wondering what the point might be – if there is one.  

Am I writing about the wrong stuff?  Am I looking in all the wrong places?  Why am I not connecting with people?  

Creatively, I’m finding I’m really struggling.  I’ve had a few failed attempts at 2 different books I’m writing, and nothing is going anywhere, and I’m feeling really down about it.

Does hard work and creativity not pay off anymore?  But you know something?  Even if it doesn’t pay off, even if nothing ever comes of it, I love my blogs.  They are my children.  They are there when no one else is, to listen and observe, and withhold comment until asked.  And I’m okay with that.

It just seems I’m here to help others succeed.

While I’m working hard, and trying my best to do what I love, there are others out there who don’t have to work as hard to do what they love.  Life just hands them lemons, and they can make lemonade in a snap.  Life handed me onions, and said, Look, I know things are hard, but I’m about to make them harder… so here, make lemonade out of onions, and THEN we’ll talk.  Thanks, Life.  I really appreciate that one.

There are people out there that have worked just as hard as I have, some more, some less.  Some that have succeeded and some that have not.  But they are all doing what they love.  And I can wrap my head around what I seem to be doing wrong.  Why can’t I do what I love and have that be that?

Right now, I’m working a crappy job that I hate.  I’ve never hated a job before.  I’ve had strong feelings towards and against certain jobs, but I’ve never hated one before.  And I’m doing it because it’s what needs to be done.  Because we need the money to live.  And I can do it.  For now.  Until something better comes along.

But what I really want is to do what I love.  And have someone else stand by in the background while I take a turn in the spotlight for awhile.

But for now, I’ll stand back and be the woman who runs things from behind the scenes while others take the stage.  And I’ll be okay with that.

Positive Changes

A week ago Tuesday, Chriso and I packed as much as we could and hit the road. 

To be perfectly honest, packing was a little difficult for me.  Mostly because I don’t know when we’ll be back in Boston to get the rest of our stuff.  But I pretty much grabbed all my tank tops and cute shirts that I haven’t worn in a loooonnngg time and some shorts that I typically don’t wear, and a skirt or two that I have never worn period and threw them in a bag.

Two days ago, I decided to go through the bag and figure something else to wear other than a bathing suit and swimming short, and I pulled out a skirt that I had never worn.

I bought it over a year ago at a time when I was CLEARLY much heavier.  I bought it without trying it on first, and when I finally did, I couldn’t get it to pull up over my fat ass.

Well, I brought it with me.  I tried it on thinking if it still doesn’t fit, no big deal, I wasn’t really planning on wearing it anyway.  But I tried it on.  And I’ll be damned… IT FIT!  And it fit well.  So well, in fact, that I wore it out that night when Chriso and I did karaoke at some bar in Virginia Beach.  And I looked hott!

Drunk Army Guy is dancing in front of me... GAWD!

Drunk Army Guy is dancing in front of me... GAWD!

But wait!  It gets better!

Over the last few months I’ve definitely been noticing a difference in the clothes I have.  Most of my pants don’t fit anymore unless I’m wearing a belt.  And even then they still hang a little low.  Some of my tops that I couldn’t wear before without another, less revealing tank top underneath it, I can now where without a problem.

I’m losing weight!  And I’m FINALLY seeing results.  And it’s so amazing.  My waist is getting smaller, and so is my ass.

AND I’ve got a nice tan😉

Me posing in front of a giant, man-eating fish... probably

Me posing in front of a giant, man-eating fish... probably

 

So, yay for me!

Chriso and I have been mupping around Virginia for the last week or so.  We’ve been pretty productive, we’ve gotten things done that needed to get done.  And we’re gearing up for another week here. 

We’ve gone to the beach.  Actually, we’ve gone to a few beaches.  Oh, did I forget to mention that Chriso was born a fish?  Well, yeah.  He was.

And we’ve been having the most amazing time.  AND the weather has TOTALLY cooperated with us in that respect. 

But in going out and doing things and being productive, there’s also a lot of down time in the hotel room.  The other day, there was THE MOST AMAZING lightning storm I’ve ever seen going on, and we just sat on our porch deck thing and watched it.  AND got some incredible pictures in the process.

BUT… there’s still down time in the hotel room.  We eat lunch and dinner in pretty much almost every day – and we’ve been saving money by doing so.  And before bed, there isn’t much to do… OK, that’s not entirely true.  There’s PLENTY to do.  But I didn’t feel that telling the world that I like to get my naughty on several times a day was appropriate.  Shit!  There goes THAT plan.

ANYway.  What I’m getting at is that Chriso and I have been watching quite a bit of TV.  More than we’ve ever really done together.  And among the TV shows and baseball games there’s tons and tons of movies to be seen. 

They are CLEARLY on HBO, but when you look at the TV guide, this random channel 21 doesn’t show up anywhere, and has thus been named That Weird Movie Channel.

And we’ve seen a lot of movies in the last week on TWMC.  So many that neither of us has seen, and a few that we have.

But since ther are so many movies we HAVEN’T seen, we’ve created a game out of it.  Mostly because some of the movies are just so awful that we can’t help but do something entertaining while watching them.  And, no, the naughty part does NOT come into play here.

Pretty much what happens is that we see an actor that we MIGHT recognize from, oh my god, what was he in – he was in the show with that other guy… holy crap, what was that show??? and we try to guess who they are, and what else they’ve been in.

And we’ve actually done pretty well for ourselves.  Most of our guesses have been COMPLETELY wrong, but some have been spot on.

For example – and Chriso posted about this the other day, with that kid from the Cosby show who was in that AWFUL movie… crap!  what was that awful movie? – Pay it Forward.  Neither of us had ever seen it – and I TOTALLY recommend seeing it – but we were able to piece it together and figure out that Helen Hunt, Kevin Spacey and Haley Joel Osment were in this great movie together, and we didn’t even have to go to the Internets to figure it out.

Another aspect of this Guess the Movie game is while watching an awful movie trying to watch it as long as possible.  Once you add in the factor of trying to figure out who the actors are, you’ve got yourself a competition.  ALSO, the use of the Internets is ALWAYS permitted, BUT do recognize that in using the Internets, you are ending the game, so to speak.

But try it.  See if you like it.  See how many movies you can actually figure out without having seen them. 

What other games can one play while on an extended vacation?

~Follow the yellow brick road is circling in my head due to my internal iPod NOT being able to SHUT IT!~

~Mmmmm… DIIINNNNER~

~I wish I wasn’t so itchy.  Getting bitten by booglies hurts.  A LOT~

~I should write about book about the Boston Strangler.  And my uncle.  And perhaps my cat~

~If the HBO channel shows one more bad movie, I may have to boycott HBO… or not~

~Cockroach from the Cosby show was in a movie.  A BAD movie.  And Chriso posted about it here~

~I wish the guy that just walked by me didn’t smell like cigarette smoke.  I pretty much want to vomit now~

~Who is the better Gabor: Zsa Zsa or Eva?~

~I TOTALLY could have done this on Twitter, but then I woudn’t have an AWESOME blog post to tweet about~ 

~Possibly going to nap while Chriso swims.  YAY for naps!~

*Scene*

I’ve been on vacation for about a week now.  Things are hard.  I miss my friends, my job, my life…

It feels as though shit is about to hit the fan.  But at the same time, not so much.  I don’t want to go into much detail until things sort themselves out.  But I will say this: I’m REALLY stressed out right now.

Life is hard.  Much harder than I ever thought possible.  Really difficult.

But I’m tough.  The tears come and go, but I’m strong.  And I can work through the difficulties and the adversities, and I will survive.

But right now, I just have to push through.

There’s a fantastic quote from Buffy – because if you didn’t know that I often quote my favorite TV shows, you should check out my other blog Shameless TV – that I really feel suits my mood at this very moment.  Actually, there are so many quotes that really suit the times AND my moods.  But I’ll stick with this one for now:

Buffy: I think horrible is still coming.  Right now, it’s worse.  I’m just trying to keep from dying.

Willow: Oh, Buffy.

Buffy: I can’t breathe, Will.  I feel like I can’t breathe.

Right now, things are hard.  But they will get easier.  They have to.  I’ve made some pretty difficult decisions, and now it’s time to back those decisions up.  It’s time to be an adult, and face life, and get through the hard times because they will get easier.  They have to.

I’ve been lucky so far.  I’ve had so much support, and so much help.  And I know if I asked, there would always be help and support.  And for that I am thankful. 

There are so many questions that are going to go unanswered.  So many things that are going to go undone.  And it’s okay.  It has to be.

But I will surive.

And now, gentle readers, I pose a question to you.  How do you deal with stressful situations, be it in life or love or work or whatever?  What is it that gets you through?  What keeps you going?  What pushs you along, and what helps you to survive?

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